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Sandwich Monday: The B50 Burger

By Ian Chillag
Published June 16, 2014 at 3:37 PM EDT
The B50 Burger — as in, you won't live to be 50.
NPR
The B50 Burger — as in, you won't live to be 50.

Ever since Eli Whitney invented the Beef Gin in 1793, hamburgers have basically been the same: an all-beef patty, eaten as quickly as possible. But now, new technologies are allowing burgerologists to expand the medium. Chef's Burger Bistro in Chicago has created the B50 Burger, with a patty that's 50 percent ground beef, 50 percent ground bacon. And then there's a fried egg thrown on top, just for fun.

Miles: This is the hoofed animal's answer to the turducken.

Ian: I really do feel like we're witnessing the beginning of something big. One small step for man ... OK, gimme a sec, I need to sit down.

Eva: Does this mean burgers are now 50 percent appropriate for breakfast? Good enough for me!

An optimist says this burger is half bacon.
/ NPR
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NPR
An optimist says this burger is half bacon.

Peter: If I eat enough of them, then I, too, will be 50 percent bacon, and then I, too, will be delicious.

Miles: Fifty percent beef and 50 percent bacon means I'm 100 percent ready for a nap.

Ian: It smells like a campfire inside my body right now.

Vitamin B50 is not part of a healthy breakfast.
/ NPR
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NPR
Vitamin B50 is not part of a healthy breakfast.

Peter: It's weird to eat something that tastes so strongly of bacon and yet has no visible bacon. I imagine this is what it's like to just eat a pig.

Ian: This is amazing. I give conventional burgers three years 'till extinction.

Robert: I give myself about three minutes.

Sandwich Monday Environmental Fact: If the Toyota Prius were a 50 percent car, 50 percent bacon hybrid, more people would eat one.
/ NPR
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NPR
Sandwich Monday Environmental Fact: If the Toyota Prius were a 50 percent car, 50 percent bacon hybrid, more people would eat one.

Robert:Delicious, but the punch line falls flat. A cow, a pig and a fried egg walk into a bar. And I eat them.

Ian:This is so good it's distracting me from the World Cup distracting me from work.

Miles: I'm just glad we finally ordered from Dr. Moreau's Burger Bistro.

Note how the burger and the soccer ball are entering their respective goals at the same time.
/ NPR
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NPR
Note how the burger and the soccer ball are entering their respective goals at the same time.

Ian: Now I understand what happened to that weird animal at the farm that kept saying Mooink.

Soccer Announcer Guy: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOACON.

Miles: They make a vegetarian version, too. It's half black-bean patty, half bitter envy at not being able to eat this burger.

[The verdict: This is what's been missing from your burgers all your life. Fantastic.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!

Copyright 2021 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

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Ian Chillag